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Answer
The topic of hierarchy within families can be sensitive and often elicit strong reactions. One reason for this sensitivity is the common misunderstanding of how hierarchy is perceived by God. In worldly terms, family hierarchy is often associated with power, control, and superiority, concepts that are not aligned with God’s intended structure for families. The world tends to prioritize individuals or groups based on their perceived importance, whereas in God’s design, true greatness is found in serving others (Mark 10:42-44). While hierarchy is present in Christian families, it should not mirror the worldly understanding of authority.
At the creation of the family, God started with one man and one woman “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”, (Genesis 1:27). He then commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply” “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”, (Genesis 1:28). After Adam and Eve’s fall, God imposed distinct consequences on each of them. As part of Eve’s punishment, she would desire to control her husband, but he would hold authority over her “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”, (Genesis 3:16). Though this was a result of their disobedience, it was a part of God’s ordained plan for the family structure.Part of Eve’s curse, it was also God’s way of protecting women in the future. He had created Eve differently from Adam, and, for them to work together in complementary ways, only one could be in charge. Without hierarchy, we have anarchy.
Ephesians 5 picks up this theme and elaborates on the roles of husband and wife. Paul begins the section on family in verse 21 with “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” With that mindset in place, we are then prepared to accept the specifics of God’s hierarchy for the family. Without a willingness to live in mutual submission, we will easily distort and destroy the dynamic by which God designed families to thrive.
God gave the husband the role of a servant-leader, as Jesus Christ was a servant-leader «For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. », (Mark 10:45). The man’s responsibilities are to love his wife sacrificially «Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; », (Ephesians 5:25), care for her as he would his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29), live with her in an understanding way «Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. », (1 Peter 3:7), and bring up his children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” «And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. », (Ephesians 6:4)
God placed the full responsibility for the family’s health on the husband’s shoulders. Husbands and fathers must give an account of their service to the Lord in how they served, led, and loved their families.
To the wife, God gives the role of a helper in the family hierarchy “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.”, (Genesis 2:18). Instead of indicating subservience to the man, the term helper is also used of the Lord: “We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield” (Psalm 33:20;cf: Psalm 124:8). Jesus used the term Helper to describe the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives “even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.”, (John 14:17,26) “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.”, (John 14:17,26). Therefore, while God places the majority of family responsibility on the husband, He assigns a lighter burden to the wife and instructs her to submit to her husband’s leadership, just as the husband submits to Christ in all things (Ephesians 5:22-24). A wise husband seeks his wife’s input on family decisions, but a wise wife knows when to step back after expressing her opinion. Ideally, husband and wife are in agreement about family decisions. However, on those occasions when they disagree, a wife is relieved of the responsibility once she has.Expressed her views. She can then trust the Lord to work on her behalf through her husband’s decisions, right or wrong. The Lord has ways of protecting an obedient wife, despite whatever consequences He must levy against an erring husband.
After Christ, husband, and then wife, children are last in the family hierarchy. Children are never to rule the roost. Parents who allow their children to run wild, disobey, disrespect, and have their own way are demolishing God’s hierarchy for the family. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” When parents require obedience from their children, they are training those children how to respond to God. God does not allow us to run wild, disobey, disrespect, and have our own way without severe consequences. Parents can model their parenting style after the heavenly Father and know they have the best possible example «And will be a Father unto you, And ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.», (2 Corinthians 6:18).
God instituted hierarchy in the family for our own good. Christ must always be first and foremost «But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. », (1 Corinthians 11:3). His Word and His example are to be the standard in a Christian home. As husband and wife both seek the Lord together, they share the leadership role for the home and children. When each member of the family seeks to honor his or her role as a way of honoring God, the family flourishes and everyone’s needs are met.
