How far is too far?

Response

Many young individuals venture into the realm of dating without adequate preparation for the intense emotions, desires, and temptations that lie ahead. Even devout Christians who firmly believe that engaging in sexual activities before marriage is unacceptable can find themselves surprised by the various stages between abstinence and intercourse. The teachings on abstinence often fall short by not delving into the intricacies of sexuality and the concealed risks of engaging in physical intimacy.

There is no definitive response to the query “how far is too far?” If our aim is to push the boundaries of what is morally acceptable, we may already be on the path to moral failure. Whenever we approach sin with the mindset of “how close can I get before needing to seek forgiveness?” we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. For a Christian, the question should be “how can I ensure that my heart and thoughts remain honoring to God in the context of this dating relationship?” Even better is the Christian who ponders, “How can I safeguard the purity of my partner?” (Philippians 2:3-4).

All forms of sexual expression were ordained by God for the marital union. Full stop. No exceptions «Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. », (1 Corinthians 7:2). Every romantic gesture before marriage serves as a progression towards the ultimate act of intercourse. From the initial glance to the final deed, sexual tension intensifies with each step, thus the point of “too far” is reached when these expressions transition from displaying affection to craving sin.

Sin originates in the heart, therefore, instead of solely assessing outward actions for their appropriateness, we should scrutinize our underlying intentions. As Jesus stated, “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts.”Come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person” (Mark 7:20-23).

Sexual purity must begin in the heart. When the desire of the heart is to honor God and our dating partner, then boundaries will be drawn in our attitudes, clothing, activity choices, and the words we speak. For example, sexting has become wildly popular even among teens too young to date. But by exploiting words and images, we violate moral purity without ever physically touching the person. This is sin «Let us not, therefore, judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way. », (Romans 14:13).

We have sinned when we intentionally create lust in another, whether through improper clothing, flirtatious behavior, or physically touching body parts that are not ours to enjoy. An engaged couple who enjoy a long, passionate kiss before parting for the evening may not be sinning if their desires are pure and the kiss is an expression of selfless love. Longing for the wedding night is not sin because the desire is for a God-ordained consummation of committed love. However, make-out sessions as a normal part of a dating relationship create lustful passions that cannot be righteously fulfilled. This is also sin.

Wise singles decide ahead of time what boundaries they need in order to keep themselves pure « Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. », (Matthew 5:8). Those boundaries may not be the same for all people. For example, some couples choose to save their first kiss for the wedding day, limiting their physical contact before marriage to hand-holding and quick hugs.

Others believe that long, passionate kisses are suitable for those nearing marriage because the commitment is already established. However, it is never acceptable to remove clothing, fondle beneath clothing, simulate the sex act (even with clothes on), or speak in a vulgar manner (see Ephesians 4:29). All such behavior is intended to provoke sexual desires that cannot be morally fulfilled, which is equivalent to leading someone else to sin “But when ye sin so against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ.”, (see 1 Corinthians 8:12).

First Thessalonians 4:3–8 serves as a guide for those seeking genuine guidance: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.”

A sincere Christian seeking to honor God in dating relationships can approach every situation with the conscious awareness that Jesus is present. Whatever we would not do with Jesus watching is best to avoid altogether. The Bible refers to this awareness as “the fear of the Lord” (Proverbs 16:6; Proverbs 14:16). By cultivating the fear of the Lord, we steer clear of evil because we do not wish to sin in His presence. Instead of worrying about “going too far,” we can prevent such situations by inviting Jesus on our dates. In doing so, we steer clear of potential dangers.

Protecting our purity and that of our partner.