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Answer
It would be much easier if God had only asked us to honor our parents if they are good, kind, and loving to us. However, the command in Exodus 20:12 is clear: “Honor your father and mother,” period. Ephesians 6:1 instructs us to “obey” them. Many individuals who have been hurt and damaged find these commands extremely challenging to follow. Should we honor and obey an abusive parent? Where should we draw the line?
Abuse manifests in various ways. A child may receive proper clothing, food, and all necessities except for the crucial need for love and approval. While no physical harm is inflicted, the child’s spirit withers over time, yearning for even the slightest display of affection, akin to a plant wilting without sunlight. Despite appearing normal as an adult, the individual is internally crippled by parental indifference.
Conversely, a child’s spirit can be shattered early on, even without physical abuse, through constant belittlement and being labeled as worthless. Every effort is scorned until the child ceases trying altogether. Young children tend to believe their parents’ words, causing the mistreated child to gradually retreat into themselves, existing behind an invisible barrier rather than truly living. These children grow up without physical harm from their parents but are emotionally crippled. As adults, they struggle to form friendships and relate normally to others.
Child abuse can be subtle. Besides overt forms like neglect, physical violence, and even sexual abuse, there are more covert types. The lasting effects of such mistreatment are profound. The crucial question arises: how can we fulfill God’s command to honor parents who exhibit such cruelty towards their own children?
Children?
Those who have trusted Jesus as their savior have a real Heavenly Father who desires only our good and never to harm us. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jeremiah 29:11). He is “a father to the fatherless.” “A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, Is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5). The Lord will use everything, even horrible acts, for good for those who love Him. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). When we surrender our will to Him, we will see His work in our life. Trusting God may feel disconnected or impossible for those who have never known what it is to love and trust. Someone in this position need only take one small step toward God saying, “I want to learn to love and trust you—please help me.” Jesus is “meek and lowly in heart.” “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Matthew 11:29), and we can confidently go to Him and pour out our problems, knowing that He will hear and answer (1 John 5:14-15). It will not be long before any child of God willing to trust Him will begin to sense the Holy Spirit at work in his heart. God will take the heart that has been turned to stone by an abusive childhood and replace it with one of flesh and feeling. “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heaRend out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.” , (Ezekiel 36:26).
The next step for someone who has been abused is to be willing to forgive. This, too, will seem to be utterly impossible, especially for those who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. Bitterness can sink into their souls, weighing them down like iron, yet there is nothing the Holy Spirit cannot soften and cleanse. With God all things are possible “And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.” , (Mark 10:27). Our Lord understands our pain; He “was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God’s power” “For though he was crucified through weakness, yet he liveth by the power of God. For we also are weak in him, but we shall live with him by the power of God toward you.” , (2 Corinthians 13:4).
There is no need to fear being honest with God. If you find it difficult to forgive the wickedness of a parent’s behavior, talk to God about it. It is true that unforgiveness is sin, but only deliberate unforgiveness, where we have set our hearts like flint and vowed that never again will we even consider forgiveness for those who have hurt us so badly. A child of God going to his Father for help with something he cannot do for himself will find not an angry, threatening God waiting to punish him, but a Father with a heart full of overwhelming love, compassion, mercy, and a desire to help.
So, what does honoring an abusive parent look like in real life? Here are some practical tips: by the grace of God, be willing to forgive. A willingness to forgive honors both God and the parent. Pray for your abuser. Let go of expectations that your parent will ever be the parent you want him or herTo be; replace your disappointment and sadness with acceptance of who the person is. Cultivate an attitude of compassion for the things your parent did right, and express gratitude for even slight efforts to show love. Refrain from making disparaging remarks about your parent. If it is safe to be in communication with your parent, establish wise boundaries to reduce sinful temptations for you and your parent.
One thing forgiveness and honor are not, though, is a permanent submission to parental authority. The Bible commands honor but not remaining a prisoner in a dysfunctional family. Families with a destructive cycle of sin are dangerous, and children who break free need to find safety in the family of God— which is every Christian’s true family (Matthew 10:35-38). Dysfunctional families are fraught with codependence, addiction, violence, and an absence of safe boundaries. These traits will be like a millstone around the neck, dragging the child toward the same sinful patterns. Removing oneself from an abusive situation is much like overcoming addiction; when a person desires sobriety, he cannot associate with people who abuse drugs «He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: But a companion of fools shall be destroyed. », (Proverbs 13:20).
Also, in cases in which the grandchildren are exposed to the threat of physical harm or sexual assault, it becomes the adult child’s responsibility to protect their own children. There is no guilt in keeping one’s distance from abusive parents, as long as the separation is not motivated by vengeance. You can honor your parents from afar. Sadly, some parents do not value their children enough to maintain a relationship. The void left by a broken relationship should be filled by Christ rather than pining for a parental relationship that will never be.
By focusing on your own relationshipIn a relationship with Christ, you can experience genuine healing. Without salvation, there is no hope for anyone, but in Christ, we are new creations capable of fulfilling anything He calls us to do «Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. », (2 Corinthians 5:17). It is also possible that the parent will repent; thus, a relationship could be formed based on Christ’s abundant love and grace. You could be the light that leads your unsaved or wayward parent to repentance and salvation «For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more. », (1 Corinthians 9:19).
Just as Jesus loved us in our sinful state, we can honor an abusive parent. It means showing grace and compassion to those who don’t deserve it so that God is glorified, and the obedient are blessed and rewarded (Matthew 5:44-48;1 John 4:18-21). Remember, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord” «Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: », (Hebrews 12:14).
