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Answer
People-pleasing is the motivational force that drives a person to make decisions based solely on the level of approval they believe they will receive. Related to people-pleasing are codependency and enabling; within a biblical framework, people-pleasing borders on idolatry.
Individuals who are people-pleasers have discovered the gratification of being well-liked by others, prompting them to shape their words and actions towards gaining the highest approval. While people-pleasers may outwardly display traits of selflessness, kindness, and generosity, internally they grapple with deep insecurities, equating approval with their self-worth. Over time, they realize that the pursuit of constant approval is not only draining but unattainable. Some may resort to manipulating relationships and circumstances to experience the fleeting satisfaction of eliciting positive responses from others. Therefore, the label “people-pleaser” is somewhat misleading, as their aim is ultimately self-gratification.
Certain individuals are naturally inclined towards people-pleasing. Those who are compliant and sensitive often meticulously monitor others’ reactions, carefully selecting their words and actions to avoid disapproval. At times, they may perceive this tendency positively, drawing parallels between their people-pleasing behavior and the altruistic deeds of Jesus Christ as described in Acts 10:38. However, the key disparity between Jesus’ selfless service and that of a people-pleaser lies in their motives. Jesus’ purpose was to honor and obey His Father “And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.”, (John 8:29). He demonstrated love, generosity, and service towards others, yet He did not shy away from speaking the truth, even if it led to conflict. Jesus openly rebuked individuals for their hypocrisy and lack of faith.
In Matthew 23:15, Jesus seemed unconcerned about how His audience would receive His words. He spoke precisely what needed to be said, even when it resulted in His death (Mark 15:1-2;John 18:37). Jesus was the antithesis of a people-pleaser.
To break the habit of people-pleasing, we must first recognize it as a sin. When our primary drive is popularity, we have replaced God, committing idolatry. If anything other than the Holy Spirit controls us, we have built a shrine to a rival god (Ephesians 5:18;Galatians 5:16,25). Preferring praise from fallible humans over seeking God’s approval leads us down a dangerous path. John 12:43 reveals that even in Jesus’ time, some believed His message but refused to follow Him because “they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.” People-pleasing can result in eternal separation from God if it dictates our decisions.
Once we acknowledge our people-pleasing tendencies as sin and repent, we must adopt a different motivation. 1 Corinthians 10:31 instructs us to glorify God in everything we do. By nurturing a close relationship with Him through faith in Jesus, He becomes our focal point. We shift from self-centeredness to God-centeredness. Our aim is no longer self-gratification but pleasing Him “that ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;”, (Colossians 1:10). Breaking free from the stronghold of people-pleasing brings immense liberation. Instead of striving to please numerous voices, we need only listen to One “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow…”
me: », (John 10:27). At the end of each day, only one question matters to a Christian: “Lord, was I as pleasing to you today as I know how?” When the answer is “yes,” we can revel in God’s pleasure. Our validation comes from who He declares us to be.
Another crucial step in conquering a tendency to please others is to protect our hearts from covetousness. Envy fuels people-pleasing when we desire the approval or popularity of others. This is particularly noticeable in teenagers who idolize rock stars and athletes, but adults are also culpable. People-pleasing driven by envy is more widespread than we realize, and most of us can detect traces of it in our lives.
People-pleasing hinders us from fulfilling all that God has destined us to become. It silences us when we should speak up and intimidates us when we do. A subtle form of people-pleasing in today’s church is foretold in 2 Timothy 4:3: “For the time will come when people will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires.” Preachers whose aim is to attract crowds and sell books foster the sin of people-pleasing and label it as “ministry.” Drawing crowds is not wrong, but when the motive is to please people rather than God, there is an issue. If the apostles had sought to please people, they would never have been martyred for their faith.
We cannot serve two masters « No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. », (Matthew 6:24). We cannot be fully committed to the gospel of Christ and simultaneously seek the approval of people. They are incompatible. This might be one reason why Jesus portrayed discipleship as a narrow path. Hesaid, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me” «And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. », (Luke 9:23). Part of denying ourselves is crucifying our need to please people and have them like us (1 Thessalonians 2:3-5; Galatians 1:10).
We say with Peter, “We must obey God rather than human beings!” «Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men. », (Acts 5:29). It is not our job to make people happy. Rather, we are to live as the best people we can be, serve the Lord in every way He calls us, die daily to our own selfish desires, and receive our reward from Him «Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God. », (1 Corinthians 4:5). When that is our life goal, we will stop being people-pleasers.
