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Answer
For many individuals, blaming others is a common reaction when things go awry. In a world filled with brokenness, it is often easy to pinpoint someone or something to hold accountable when we are hurt. While there are instances where someone else is solely responsible for the harm inflicted upon us, there are steps we can take to address the situation and seek resolution (Matthew 18:15-17). However, if we consistently shift blame to others instead of acknowledging our own role in the matter, blaming can become a recurring pattern in our lives.
The following steps can help us break free from the habit of blaming others for every misfortune:
1. Fully acknowledge the harm that has been caused. While it may seem counterintuitive to start by focusing on the problem, it is crucial to process it in order to release its hold on us. By fully acknowledging the pain and injustice we have endured, we open our hearts to forgiveness and healing. Denying the severity of the wrongdoing only hinders our ability to move forward. Recognizing the issue, mourning any losses, and committing to forgive the wrongdoer are essential steps in breaking the cycle of blame.
2. Acknowledge the pride that fuels the blame game. Pride often prevents us from admitting our own faults. It is easier to point out others’ mistakes than to acknowledge our own shortcomings. Reflecting on our own contributions to the problem by asking, “Did I play a part in this situation?” can reveal areas where we could have acted differently. Instead of solely focusing on the actions of others, we can shift our attention to our own responses. While the other person may have been at fault, evaluating our own reactions in alignment with God’s principles is crucial.? Did I make the situation better or worse? When we acknowledge pride, we should admit it as sin and humble ourselves before God and the other person (1 John 1:9;1 Peter 5:6).
3. Lower high expectations. We cause ourselves much sorrow when we hold excessively high expectations for ourselves and others. Often these expectations are never communicated, but they underlie our bitterness and automatic blaming of others. We think, “They ought to have done this,” or “They ought not to have done that.” When the word ought enters our thoughts about other people’s actions, we have laid the groundwork to start blaming them. Ought implies an expectation that is not being met. Surrendering our expectations to God and trusting that He will provide what we need helps to calm us when we feel offended or overlooked.
4. Surrender rights to God. Humans are fighters for rights. If we listed our assumed rights, we would likely be surprised. Common on most people’s lists are the right to fair treatment; the right to never be offended; and the right to be respected, loved, or included. The issue is that God did not grant us those rights; we claimed them for ourselves. Blaming others for our issues often stems from a perceived violation of rights. The struggle to uphold false rights keeps us in emotional turmoil.
If we frequently blame others, it may be beneficial to list the personal rights we believe are being infringed upon. Then, as an act of surrender, present that list to God. Inform Him that you relinquish these rights, and if He deems it necessary for you to be acknowledged, respected, or included by others, He will ensure it. James 4:10 states, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” Surrendering our rights to God is one way we humble ourselves. He then elevates us in ways unrelated to pride or fighting for rights.
5. Transform blame into prayer. When we feel someone else has harmed us, we can express
God about it. The Psalms are filled with expressions of pain, hurt, and betrayal felt by the writers. However, they did not stop with expressing the pain. After pouring out our pain in prayer, we can quiet our hearts and humbly ask the Lord for direction. Instead of blaming others, we can start praying for them. If they were wrong, they need the healing and restoration of the Lord. Pray that God will change their hearts, convict them of their sin, and restore them to Himself. Whenever Satan tempts us to grow bitter, we can use the temptation as a reminder to pray for the person who wronged us.
6. Repent of the entitlement attitude. Blamers typically have an attitude of entitlement they are unaware of. Similar to rights-fighters, entitled people believe they are owed something. We may have an entitlement problem if our thoughts sound something like this:
• “It’s his fault I didn’t get that job.”
• “My mom knew I wanted to host the dinner, but she hosted it to spite me.”
• “I’m not married because all guys are scum.”
• “I don’t have a girlfriend because women are shallow and greedy.”
• “Everyone else is further ahead than I am because they’ve had it easier than I have.”
Ridding ourselves of entitlement attitudes is like pulling thistles out by the roots. It’s difficult, but once the attitude is gone, it can’t grow any more thorns. Those who blame others often blame God indirectly for bequeathing them an inferior life. Such blame of God must be confessed as well. We must admit that God owes us nothing. James 1:7 reminds us that every good and perfect gift comes from God. If we can breathe; if we can work, love, play, laugh, and experience enjoyment, then we are greatly blessed. God did not owe us any of that, but because He is good, He gave us many things to enjoy. We are commanded to be thankful in every situation «In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. », 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We cannot be grateful if we feel entitled to more.
7. Find the good in the situation. We tend to blame others when our life situation is not as we desire. However, God states that He is ultimately in charge and will use everything for our benefit if we trust and love Him «And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. », Romans 8:28. You didn’t get that job you wanted? Perhaps you can thank God that He protected you from a job that was not right for you. You couldn’t finish college? Perhaps you can thank God for showing you that college was not the path for you. When we turn misfortune into an opportunity to give thanks, we rob our enemy, Satan, of a weapon he wants to use against us.
Taking personal responsibility for our lives and refusing to blame others for our problems is a sign of maturity. Blaming others for our problems only keeps us stuck in immaturity. We also miss chances to learn from our mistakes, develop perseverance, and work in harmony with God to produce the character of Jesus in our lives see Galatians 5:22-23.
