Dealing with a mother-in-law…?

Response

A meddling mother-in-law who is demanding, controlling, and intrudes into the lives of her son or daughter and daughter-in-law or son-in-law is what the Bible refers to as a “busybody” «And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. », (1 Timothy 5:13). The Greek word translated as “busybody” in the 1 Timothy passage means “a self-appointed overseer in other men’s matters.” Some mothers-in-law are involved in overseeing, or at least accused of it. This behavior is irritating, highly frustrating, and goes against God’s plan for the family.

The dynamics in such a situation are evidently frustrating. A mother-in-law may engage in these actions because no one in the family has set boundaries for her. Consequently, she becomes an overbearing “bully.” She might not even realize how intrusive and controlling she is. To her, it may simply be an act of “love.” If that is the case, a heart-to-heart conversation might help clarify the situation. If she is aware of her actions and continues deliberately even after being asked to stop, then there may be nothing you can do to change that.

Regardless of whether the interference comes from the husband’s or wife’s side of the family, it undermines the sanctity of the marriage and goes against God’s order for marriage to “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:23-24). A man and woman leave their families of origin to form a new family, where they are meant to love and protect each other. A husband who allows his mother or mother-in-law to interfere with his marriage is not fulfilling the commandment given to husbands in Ephesians 5:25-33. Boundaries must be established and upheld, regardless of the circumstances.

Resistance encountered. The truth is that people treat us the way we permit them to treat us. If we allow them to violate the sanctity of our family, then that is what they will do. No one, not even our extended family, has the right to intrude on the privacy of our home, and it is the husband’s responsibility to protect that privacy. He should take the lead in gently—but firmly—explaining to his mother-in-law what she is doing that crosses the line and assuring her that such behavior cannot be accepted. He should remind her that God has entrusted him with the responsibility for his family and to delegate any of that responsibility to her is to disobey God. He should also reassure her that he and his wife still love her, but that the dynamic has changed and he is now in charge. This is God’s plan for the family, and this is how it will be. Then the couple must stand firm in their determination.

What can we do about responding to a woman who behaves like a meddling mother-in-law? We can choose not to let her disturb our peace of mind. We may not be able to alter how others behave, but how we react to their behavior is within our control. We can allow the actions of others to affect us, or we can choose to surrender it to God and let Him use it to strengthen us spiritually. It is our own reaction to this kind of situation that feeds our frustration. Only we can stop draining ourselves emotionally by letting an interfering mother-in-law’s actions dictate our peace. Her behavior is not our responsibility; our reaction is.

Parents and in-laws should be treated with respect and love, but we must not let our emotions ensnare us. The most effective way to neutralize an adversary is to turn them into an ally. This is achieved through God’s grace. Christians can always extend the grace of forgiveness «and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.», (Ephesians 4:32). It may not stop a mother-in-law from interfering, but it will be a source of strength and peace to stand firm in (Ephesians 6:11-17). The only place to find true peace of heart is in a personal relationship with God through Christ. Only then can we respond by resting in His peace.