What is an appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage?

Response

The contemporary perspective on premarital sex is quite permissive. According to a study, 75% of American teenagers have engaged in sexual activity before marriage. By the time unmarried individuals reach the age of 44, this percentage rises to 95% (Finer, L. Public Health Reports, The Guttmacher Institute, January—February 2007, vol 122, pp 73–78). Even within the self-identified Christian community, 57% of U.S. adults believe that premarital sex within a “committed relationship” is sometimes or always acceptable (Pew Research Center, https://pewrsr.ch/3lJyBBE, accessed 11/8/22).

These statistics are concerning for Christians who adhere strictly to the teachings of the Bible. Passages like Ephesians 5:3 provide clear instructions regarding physical intimacy outside of marriage: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity . . . because these are improper for God’s holy people.” This directive sets strict boundaries, emphasizing that God’s people should not display even a “hint” of immorality.

Determining the appropriate level of physical intimacy before marriage is a decision that every unmarried couple must make. Fornication is considered a sin in the Bible, making sexual intercourse before marriage unequivocally prohibited. Additionally, other sexual activities, such as oral or anal sex, would also be classified as fornication. However, the standards should be even more stringent: any behavior hinting at sexual immorality is deemed inappropriate for a Christian.

The Bible does not provide a specific list of activities that suggest immorality, nor does it outline which physical actions are permissible for couples before marriage. The essence of the command is to ensure that sexual immorality is absent among God’s people. There should never be any reason for outsiders to raise concerns about such behavior. Any allegations of immorality or inappropriate conduct within the church should be entirely baseless.

Where to draw the line? How much intimacy is too much before marriage? Since the sexual act is wrong for an unmarried couple, behavior that leads to the act should also be curtailed. Thus, foreplay, which is the natural prelude to sexual intercourse, should be restricted to married couples. Anything that can be considered foreplay should be avoided until marriage. This would logically include fondling, nudity, and erotic conversations and behaviors.

An unmarried Christian couple should know their convictions and stick to them. Some couples may draw the line at light kissing. Others will stop at holding hands. Others will move the barriers even farther out, for conscience’s sake. The important thing is that the individual believer is allowed to live according to his or her own convictions. The conscience should not be violated. If there is any doubt whether an activity is right for an unmarried couple, it should be avoided, just to be safe “And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”, (Romans 14:23).
Christians have been set apart by God for His holy purposes, and we must take care to avoid immorality. Scripture gives strong warning on this matter: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins. . . . For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7).

All sexual activity and foreplay should be restricted to married couples. An unmarried couple should avoid any activity that tempts them toward sex.

that gives the impression of immorality or violates the conscience.