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Response
Both Christian parents and their married children may struggle with finding a balance between the concept of “leave and cleave” and honoring parents. Some relevant Bible passages:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” «Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. », (Genesis 2:24).
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” «Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. », (Ephesians 6:1).
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” «Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. », (Exodus 20:12).
There are three aspects to the statement of Genesis 2:24: 1. Leave – This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one and there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” «Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. », (Matthew 19:6). Problems arise in family life when these two roles are reversed and the
Parent-child relationship is considered the primary relationship. When an adult child gets married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly formed union is at risk.
2. Cleave – the Hebrew term translated as “cleave” refers to (1) pursuing someone intensely and (2) being attached or stuck to something/someone. Therefore, a man should pursue his wife intensely after marriage (the courtship should not end with the wedding vows) and should be “stuck to her like glue.” This cleaving signifies such closeness that there should be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or any parent.
3. And they shall become one flesh – Marriage combines two individuals and forms a new single entity. There should be such sharing and unity in every aspect (physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, social) that the resulting unity can be best described as “one flesh.” Once again, if there is more sharing and emotional support derived from an ongoing parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the unity within the marriage is in jeopardy, leading to an unbiblical imbalance.
With these three aspects of Genesis 2:24 in mind, there are also scriptural instructions to honor one’s parents. This involves treating them with a respectful attitude « There is a generation that curseth their father, And doth not bless their mother. », (Proverbs 30:11,17) «The eye that mocketh at his father, And despiseth to obey his mother, The ravens of the valley shall pick it out, And the young eagles shall eat it. », (Proverbs 30:11,17), obeying them when their commands align with God’s laws “in the Lord” Ephesians 6:1, and looking after them as they age Mark 7:10-12; 1 Timothy 5:4-8.
The distinction between these two directives is made when one is expected to adhere to a certain principle in a manner that contradicts the other principle or directive. If a parent’s interference infringes upon the concept of “leaving” by prioritizing the parent-child relationship (demanding obedience, reliance, or emotional unity over the wishes, independence, or unity with the spouse), it should be politely declined, and the spouse’s wishes should be respected. However, when there are legitimate needs of an elderly parent (whether physical or emotional, provided the emotional “need” does not override the “leaving” principle), that need should be addressed, even if one’s spouse does not “approve” of the parent-in-law. Demonstrating biblical love towards the elderly parent involves choosing to act lovingly, even when one may not feel inclined to do so.
The equilibrium between these biblical commands is akin to the instruction to obey authority figures (Romans 13) and the instance of the apostles disregarding that directive when the authorities instruct them to act in opposition to God’s commands. In Acts 4:5-20, the apostles refused the Jewish leaders’ demand to cease preaching the gospel because their directive conflicted with God’s, yet the apostles did so respectfully. Similarly, Jesus teaches us to honor our parents, but emphasizes that the parent-child relationship is secondary to our relationship with Christ “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”, Luke 14:26. Likewise, when parents violate the principles of Genesis 2:24, it is appropriate to respectfully disobey them. Conversely, if a spouse is unwilling to invest the time, effort, and resources needed to address an elderly parent’s needs, the spouse’s preferences should be disregarded; keKeeping in mind that one must distinguish true physical and emotional needs from the “felt needs” of an overbearing, demanding parent.
