What sort of condolences should a Christian give someone who is hurting after the death of a loved one?

Answer

Losing someone we love is one of the most painful experiences in life. When someone we care about experiences such a loss, it can be challenging to know how to offer support. Often, we refrain from taking action out of fear of saying the wrong thing. However, most individuals who have gone through the death of a loved one value compassionate gestures from others. Frequently, the most comforting condolence is simply being present.

At times, we may feel compelled to alleviate the suffering of those in mourning, but this expectation is misguided and can do more harm than good. Recycled phrases, overly optimistic clichés, or non-biblical remarks like “God needed another angel” do not provide solace and can pressure the grieving individuals to pretend they are coping better than they are. If we believe it is necessary to express condolences, a simple acknowledgment of their loss or an assurance that we are keeping them in our prayers suffices.

The key point to bear in mind is that grief is a natural and necessary process. We cannot effectively heal from a significant loss without allowing ourselves to navigate through the grieving journey. God has endowed the human heart with mechanisms to assist us in coping with life-altering losses gradually. Friends of someone in mourning should understand that it is not our role to expedite that process. The most valuable support allows the grieving individual the freedom to express their grief in their own way, whether through words, tears, silence, or anger. Knowing that a trusted friend is available and willing to listen to whatever needs to be said brings comfort. Being a compassionate listener is often the most meaningful gift we can offer to those seeking to share their feelings.

There are two approaches a Christian can take to console those who are grieving a loss. If we are aware that the departed was a believer in Christ, there are numerous passages of Scripture that can provide comfort. Selecting appropriate moments to share verses such as Psalm 34:16–19; Psalm 147:3; 1 Thessalonians 4:13–18; and 2 Corinthians 5:8 can serve as a reminder to the grieving individual.

Remember that death is simply a change of address.

For those lacking hope in eternal life, a Christian can still serve as a reliable friend and listener. It can be beneficial to explain to the grieving individual the different stages they may experience during the grieving process. While everyone copes with grief differently, the following are some typical stages individuals go through when coming to grips with the loss of a significant person in their lives:

1. Initial shock – This phase may involve denial and anger as the mind struggles to accept the reality of what has occurred.

2. Numbness – This numbness is a blessing as it allows us to process the loss gradually, one step at a time.

3. Battle between fantasy and reality – This stage includes moments of thinking we hear the voice of the departed, catching a glimpse of them in a passing vehicle, or reaching for the phone to call them.

4. Wave of grief – Often triggered by something minor, months or even years after the loss, grief can resurface, bringing back the full intensity of the loss. We find ourselves in tears and mourning just when we thought we had moved past the initial pain.

5. Painful memories – Just when we believe we are making progress, someone unaware of the situation may inquire about the departed individual. An anniversary or significant event passes without our loved one. These memories are painful yet essential. Discussing these memories with tears is therapeutic and a part of the healing process.

6. Healing – A “new normal” begins to take shape as we start to believe that life will continue and that a day will come when the pain we feel now will lessen.

These stages often repeat in a cycle until the heart has mended and moved forward. The intensity of emotions can be unsettling for someone unfamiliar with grief, so it can be reassuring for them to understand that these feelings are normal and temporary. The first year following a loss is marked by these stages, and there is no specific timeline for grief. The objective is to gradually heal and find peace.

**Retrieve** adequately and then move past it. Grief is only destructive when we get stuck there and refuse to let God heal our hearts.

Many times death brings to the surface questions about eternity. If the grieving person initiates such a conversation, a Christian should take the opportunity to share the gospel. However, we should avoid speculating on the destination of the departed, as only God knows the soul condition of any person and where he is spending eternity. Focus instead on the good news that Jesus has for the survivor. There are many testimonies of people giving their lives to Christ following the death of a loved one, as they came face to face with their own mortality. A Christian should stay sensitive to the situation and to the Holy Spirit’s leading to bring hope and comfort to those who are grieving.