What is gaslighting?

Response

Gaslighting is a type of emotional and psychological manipulation intended to control the victim. While this article focuses on a female victim, gaslighting can also be carried out by women against men. Gaslighting consists of three main elements: 1) Blaming the victim for the abuse she experiences, 2) Making the victim doubt her own experiences, and 3) Isolating the victim from her support system. The perpetrator’s demeanor can shift between caring and gentle to angry and cruel. Gradually, the victim loses trust in her own perceptions, judgment, and even sanity, eventually depending on the abuser to define reality.

The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1944 film Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, based on the 1938 play Gas Light. The plot revolves around Paula, who moves with her new husband to her family home following her aunt’s murder, a wealthy opera singer. Paula starts noticing peculiar occurrences like a disappearing picture, a missing brooch, and the dimming gas lights. Her husband convinces her that these events are either her doing or never actually happened. He exploits Paula’s alleged mental instability to justify confining her further within the house. Ultimately, it is revealed that he murdered Paula’s aunt and orchestrated an elaborate scheme to undermine Paula’s confidence in her own perceptions, enabling him to freely search for her aunt’s jewels.

The main goal of a gaslighting abuser is to make the victim trust him more than her own thoughts. The victim begins to question the reality of events she clearly witnessed and to doubt her interpretations of the abuser’s actions. The abuser switches between his maliciousus behavior with concern and encouragement, leading his victim to rely on him for stability and support, and isolating her from those who have a genuine interest in her well-being.

Another example of gaslighting in popular fiction is Wormtongue’s “council” for Théoden, king of Rohan, in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. By the time help arrives, in the form of Gandalf the wizard, King Théoden so doubts his own mind that he believes everything Wormtongue tells him. In the movie version, Wormtongue also tries to gaslight Eowyn, telling her she is alone, implying that neither her uncle Théoden nor her brother can save her. She resists by turning away and declaring, “Your words are poison!”

Not all gaslighters are aware of what they are doing. Some have so deceived themselves they actually believe the lies they’re telling. Others are so afraid of the truth that they do anything they can to hide it. Kids often have no problem gaslighting their parents—falsely claiming mom never told them to do the dishes, for example—in order to avoid a punishment. Other gaslighters know exactly what they’re doing. “Negging” is a manipulative flirting technique wherein the man passive-aggressively insults the woman until her confidence drops and she feels the need to make him have a more positive view of her—often by doing what he wants. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting is a sin and comes from a place of selfishness and a desire to control.

In fact, gaslighting was utilized in the first temptation mentioned in the Bible. Satan first prompts Eve to question what she heard God say about the tree of knowledge, and then he asserts that her account is wrong. That is gaslighting, as he caused Eve to doubt the reality of what she knew to be true (Genesis 3:1-3).

Gaslighting is also common in cults and abusive “churches,” as well as politics. It can be seen in abusers who convince children they deserve or desireTheir abuse. In preachers who tell questioning parishioners that their request for clarification on spiritual matters is sinful mistrust of God and disrespect of the pastor. Or in parishioners who criticize and then vaguely praise their pastor in an attempt to control him. In the political arena, when a leader or even a country flatly denies doing or saying what they publicly did or said, others may find it extremely difficult to counter the lie, especially if the media provides cover, or to address the issue in a meaningful way.

For the Gaslighter – Gaslighting can come from a place of great fear or great narcissism. It may be learned or instinctive. It is difficult for a gaslighter to admit he or she has a problem because the gaslighter believes that arranging the world in the “proper” way is a legitimate and reasonable goal. Anyone who works against that goal is obviously wrong and needs to be set straight. The Bible says differently:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your interests but each of you to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” «For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. », (Romans 12:3).

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” «Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; », (Romans 12:10).

If you realize—or you’re told—that you are manipulative and controlling, please seek counseling. It’s likely there is a deep-seated wound that only Jesus can heal. And He is willing!

For the Abused – God made us to be interdependent on others in the church, but He did not make us to abandon all reason and rely solely on another’s judgment. God wants us to live in the truth.

“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long” «Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: For thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. », (Psalm 25:5).

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” «Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. », (Philippians 4:8).

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline” «For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. », (2 Timothy 1:7).

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, please seek counseling. Do not isolate yourself from godly friends. And, if need be, keep a journal so you can remind yourself of the facts. If the gaslighter is a partner in a dating relationship, seriously consider ending that relationship. If you feel gaslighted in th

If you feel lost in the church and are discouraged from seeking answers to your spiritual inquiries, visit GotQuestions.org!