What does the Bible say about how to deal with controlling people?

Answer

Controlling individuals, manipulators, are encountered by all of us, and most of us have displayed controlling behavior at some point. Those who are controlling typically believe that happiness lies in compelling others to comply with their desires. However, manipulating others does not lead to happiness or any other positive outcome.

Individuals who exhibit controlling behavior can be parents, spouses, adult children, extended family members, salespeople, or colleagues. To control someone, they must possess something that the individual desires or requires. Codependent individuals seek approval, making them more susceptible to being controlled or manipulated. They might be offered affection or gratitude in exchange for complying with the wishes of the controlling individual. Victims of manipulation may constantly strive to please the controlling person but never quite succeed. The fear of disappointing the manipulator, losing a friendship, or facing some form of punishment keeps the victim under control.

Controlling individuals do not have anyone’s best interests at heart except their own (see Philippians 2:3). Their primary concern is pleasing themselves. Many of the kings in the Old Testament were controlling individuals who wielded power to their advantage, often at the expense of those they governed. Queen Jezebel was a controlling individual who leveraged her power to achieve her desires. Her husband’s method of control involved sulking and throwing tantrums (1 Kings 21:1-4).

Absalom, David’s son, was skilled at controlling people by using flattery and pretending to care for them in order to turn their allegiance away from his father, David (2 Samuel 15:5-6). Controlling individuals often employ emotional manipulation to coerce their victims into compliance. Absalom sought to control others by employing emotional manipulation tactics.

Ol of his father’s kingdom, so he pretended to be compassionate in order to gain the people’s loyalty. Rather than challenge or investigate Absalom’s claims, disgruntled Israelites were delighted to blame King David for their dissatisfaction and were easy prey for the controlling Absalom. Angry, bitter people are a target for controlling individuals, who can exploit emotions, twist thinking, and goad others into action. Avoiding bitterness in our hearts «looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; », (Hebrews 12:15) is important in steering clear of controlling individuals.

We can deal with controlling individuals by first recognizing what they are and setting appropriate boundaries. We can insist on truth-telling (controlling individuals often lie). We can refuse to accept false guilt (controlling individuals often play the victim). We can refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes (controlling individuals often try to hold others accountable). We can find our acceptance and sufficiency in Christ (controlling individuals often ridicule or criticize in an attempt to make their victims feel inadequate). We can stand up to them, refuse their demands, and reject their deadlines (controlling individuals are often bullies who demand immediate compliance).

Often, controlling individuals have no real power to force us to obey; rather, they threaten to get angry, spread lies, cut off communication, or do something else to make our lives more difficult as a means of “punishment.” We must be prepared to call their bluff and not play their games. We must be prepared to end the relationship. In cases where violence is threatened, we must contact the proper authorities and take steps to protect ourselves and loved ones. “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” «For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of pPower, love, and a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7). In that spirit of power, love, and soundness of mind, we must confront the threat posed by those who seek to control or manipulate us. The only One who should control us is the Holy Spirit of God “And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;” (Ephesians 5:18).