How should a Christian respond to being in a loveless marriage?

Answer

The term “loveless marriage” can refer to various situations, ranging from a loss of initial feelings of love to experiencing violent abuse. In cases of spousal abuse, the abused spouse should seek help through legal and emotionally supportive channels. It is often necessary to physically remove oneself from the situation while undergoing therapy. An abused spouse should never return to living with a former abuser who has not demonstrated trustworthiness. For the purposes of this article, a loveless marriage is defined as one where no physical abuse occurs, but one or both spouses have lost all affection for each other and live as silent roommates.

God’s design for marriage was revealed in the Garden of Eden when God created a woman for Adam and brought her to him as a helper (Genesis 2:21-24). The word “helper” is derived from a Hebrew term also used to describe the assistance God provides (Exodus 18:4; Deuteronomy 33:26; Psalm 33:20). Therefore, a wife’s God-given role is to support her husband in the tasks assigned by God, offering wisdom, encouragement, and at times deliverance, mirroring God’s provision for us. The husband’s role is clearly outlined in Ephesians 5:25–33. Loving his wife is not a mere suggestion but a command for a husband. Any husband who fails to demonstrate selfless, Christlike love toward his wife is directly disobeying God’s Word. If a husband neglects this, his prayers will be hindered “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”, (1 Peter 3:7).

Sometimes, a marriage lacking love may result from being unequally yoked with an unbeliever. The Bible advises, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” (see 2 Corinthians 6:14). The unbelieving spouse may not prioritize obedience to God’s Word. In such situations, the apostle Paul provides guidance: if the unbelieving spouse agrees to stay in the marriage and is not abusive, the Christian should remain and exhibit the love of Christ (see 1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Love is the first fruit of the Holy Spirit as listed in Galatians 5:22–23. When we lack human love to give, we can ask the Lord to allow the Holy Spirit to love through us. It is unlikely that Jesus felt warm, emotional affection for those crucifying Him. Nevertheless, He prayed for their forgiveness and sacrificed Himself for them regardless (see Luke 23:33-34; Romans 5:8). Jesus’ display of love can serve as an inspiration for all, especially concerning marriages.

In cases where counseling is an option, loveless marriages can benefit from the wise and impartial perspective of a biblical counselor (see Proverbs 11:14; Proverbs 15:22). At times, a marriage may become stagnant due to neglect and ongoing inconsiderate behaviors that the couple may not realize. An external viewpoint can readily identify problematic areas and bring them to light. If both partners are willing to put in the effort, a loveless marriage can swiftly transform into a loving one. Even if one spouse is unwilling to engage in counseling, the cooperative spouse can still benefit from it.

Living alone. An objective viewpoint can sometimes help one spouse see things differently and therefore respond in better ways to the unloving spouse.

Like a rock thrown into a pond, changes introduced into dysfunctional cycles create new patterns of response. Here is an example of how one spouse can alter the course of a loveless marriage: if Sue no longer shouts at John when he is rude, he must respond to her gentle approach in a different manner than he has previously done. Instead of escalating the anger, he reduces his rude behavior to match her more mature attitude. Her calm smile and refusal to engage highlight his own selfishness, and he often reacts with less hostility. The cycle of conflict is disrupted, and a new cycle commences with reduced tension and increased kindness “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” , (Proverbs 15:1). Over time, this new, healthier cycle can evolve into affection, and the couple relearns to appreciate each other once again.

There are several actions a Christian can take to reinvest in a loveless marriage:

1. Establish healthy boundaries. Learn when to step back, disengage, or reject hurtful words or patterns. Refusing to participate in arguments that lead nowhere is one way boundaries can fortify a marriage.

2. Pray for each other. The most effective way to forgive and love someone who has hurt us is to lift them up before God “and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” , (Ephesians 4:32). God supports the marriage, so we are assured that we are praying in line with His will when we pray for the restoration of love and hope (1 John 5:14-15).

3. Mind your words. We often believe what we say. If we notice ourselves consistentlyBashing our spouse or complaining about the marriage can lead us to believe negative things. Wisdom advises us to control our speech and only say things that are “true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable” «Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. », (Philippians 4:8).

Pay attention to the little things in a relationship. When a couple first falls in love, they notice and appreciate every small detail. However, if we do not actively continue these habits, we may take each other for granted. Restoring love in a struggling marriage happens gradually, one small gesture at a time. Identify your spouse’s love language and strive to fulfill that need daily.

In a loveless marriage, a Christian should reject engaging in behaviors that contribute to the issue. Even if one spouse seems uninterested in rebuilding an emotional bond, a Christian should do what is morally right. Our calling is not to seek revenge or repay evil with evil, but to conquer evil with goodness «Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.», (Romans 12:21). We are chosen to stand apart from the world as bearers of light «Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. », (Matthew 5:14), and as the salt of the earth « Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. », (Matthew 5:13).ible/king-james-version/matthew-5-13″>(Matthew 5:13), and a chosen priesthood (1 Peter 2:9-10). Our mission is not to please ourselves but to please our heavenly Father «Give none offense, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God: », (1 Corinthians 10:32). He is pleased when we endure difficulties with patience and do whatever is within our power to revive a loveless marriage.